“Once Upon a Time You Did Love Yourself”

Valentine’s Day is upon us and awhile I understand feeling cynical about Valentine’s Day if not in a romantic relationship (or in an unhappy marriage), Valentine’s Day for me is a time to offer love to those I love. Cookies are made and decorated, cards written and sent, and something fun planned for myself. Yes, I include myself in those I treasure on Valentine’s Day for without loving myself, I am compromised in the love I offer others, confusing love with my needs.

Learning to love yourself is not being selfish, but a smart way to care for yourself and those you love (vs needing from, demanding of, bargaining with, etc). Being in the business of helping people become happier, I wish I had a nickel for every time a person got mad at their loved one for not loving them, when the real issue at hand is a confusion between love and their needs. Loving yourself will keep you out of the trap of confusing love with needing someone to satisfy your need for security, appreciation, or a regular dinner companion. You can’t give someone what you don’t have for yourself. Period.

 If you are not feeling love for yourself, how can you get that loving feeling?

 You once trusted what you loved, wanted, knew and you can do so again. One of the unexpected treasures of raising children was delighting in their clarity and self-confidence in what they loved. Only when entering the double-digit ages did this self-confidence begin to respond to peer pressures and cultural messaging. There is nothing like a 9 or 10 year old whose self-confidence knows no bounds and anything is possible. Your 10 year old is still within you, happy to offer her self-confidence and trust in the world for living your adult life. 

Find a picture of yourself no older than 10 years old and smiling. Put this picture somewhere you can easily see your younger self everyday and once a day, send love and a smile to the confident young woman you still are. Do you remember what you loved at 10 years old? Your favorite color and candy? Even if you cannot remember the particulars, I have no doubt you were not wishy washy on what you loved (and hated ;-). Second guessing yourself was not an issue for you then and while you may not trust yourself and your likes and dislike now, you can have your younger self help you remember how you really DO know what you like and want.

Trust yourself and you will know your answers. From birth you’ve been taught that others’ opinions and directives were more important than your own. And while mostly well-intended, there comes a time when the strengths and competencies of others needs to defer to your believing in your own strengths and knowing. Otherwise you will find yourself living a life disconnected from your own inner guidance which knows without a doubt how to realize love and joy in your life.

Love yourself and everything else falls into place. Lucille Ball wasn’t only a pioneer in television and comedy, she knew a thing or two about getting what she wanted. “You really do have to love yourself to realize your dreams and desires in your life” and I couldn’t agree with her more. Until you can love yourself, the love you offer others is conditional and often a trade disguised. “I love you and if you love me you will….take care of me, make me feel secure, do as I want”… you get the picture. Love is a mystical marathon and does not play by the rules of control and logic of your mind. To love another requires you love and honor yourself first to avoid having your needs be cloaked and called love. Many a marriage or family has come apart when self-love has been lacking, for without self-love, you will seek what you need from another and call it love.

This Valentine’s Day, consider how well you love yourself and how this is related to how satisfied and happy you are with the people you love. If you aren’t feeling loved by yourself, check in with your 10 year old who never doubted herself and was unabashed in what she loved. I leave you with this thought and I invite you to celebrate yourself and your life on this day we put aside to honor love  ~

“To know what you love instead of continuing to nicely say “ok” to what others tell you, is to keep your soul and spirit alive. How do you know what you love? You put your ear down next to your soul, ask it to speak with you, and you listen very hard, especially when you are feeling lost or afraid”.

“Are You Ready to Stop Putting Up With Bad Behavior?”

bad-behavior

The times we live in are turbulent and few are the aspects of your life which are not being impacted. It’s more essential than ever you know how to engage the GPS of your heart and soul for navigating seismic changes in the world, standing true and steady to your values. What life rolls out may not be in your control, but how you respond is where you always have power.

It’s been an interesting year of becoming aware of how much bad behavior I put up with….and that was before the 2016 campaign! Carpenters who messed up and then billed me for correcting their mistakes, clients who complained nothing was getting better but didn’t do homework for learning new skills, friends who told me they were there for me-not. You know the drill as you too are putting up with bad behavior and calling it love, family, being nice, etc.

What is “Putting Up with Bad Behavior”?

  • You make excuses for the person behaving badly, saying s/he is going through a rough patch, had a bad childhood, doesn’t really mean it. Rough patches are a part of life, I have yet to meet someone who adores their childhood, and when did we begin treating words as having no impact? What you tolerate is how you will teach other to behave with and towards you.
  • You treat yourself badly and then wonder why others do so as well. Eleanor Roosevelt called it out-you teach others how to treat you. The one person you have the most power with, control with, creation with is yourself. Yet how you treat yourself, how you talk to yourself is often downright mean! In fact, if you treated a child the way you too often treat and talk to yourself, you would be appalled! Be nicer to yourself-and and be honest about what you tolerate from those who say they love you-and your life will change for the better.
  • You are unhappy in your life or a relationship and tell yourself there is value in tolerating bad behavior. You may have been taught what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Nope, that is how you survive life, not how you will thrive and be happy in life. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from enduring (your gift of) life or a relationship. Life is short and being a martyr does not earn you brownie points for being a good person or entry into heaven.
  • You tell yourself “it’s no big deal, you can handle it” when you are being dissed, denigrated, or dismissed. It IS a big deal and there is a price both the person dissing you and you are paying for putting up with bad behavior. The people you cross paths with in life are for your benefit somehow, as you are for them. Your choice to stand up for yourself or for your values may be exactly what the other person came into your life for, despite appearances to the contrary. Never doubt your value in life-or in another’s life-nor your power to inspire through no longer tolerating bad behavior.
  • Your body never lies and will reflect back to you what your choices are really costing you. Your mind may tell you to dismiss or ignore what you/r body is feeling, your culture will tell you to take a pill for it, but ignoring your body’s messaging is done at the peril of your well-being. The price of putting up with bad behavior has a price to your spirit as well as to how you feel about yourself and others.

Dismantling your learned habit of not caring for yourself, not honoring yourself, not respecting yourself won’t happen by thinking about it. Learning to no longer put up with being dismissed, being disrespected or being denigrated happens through taking action one conversation, one choice at a time. Putting up with bad behavior and telling yourself you’re being nice, not being a bitch-or my favorite, not being negative-is justifying and condoning bad behavior.

Learning to care for yourself as the sacred being you are will make you uncomfortable, maybe even be scary at times. But isn’t feeling better about yourself and your fellow humans worth it? The irony is that when you no longer put up with bad behavior, you’ll find yourself more willing and able to be kinder, more tolerant, and more loving in your life.

The choice to no longer put up with bad behavior has moved from optional to what now seems imperative. At the heart of your challenges in life is your soul’s call to remember and live as who you really are… Powerful. Creative. Wise. Courageous. Compassionate. Committed. Generous. You get the idea. You were born for this turbulent time of evolution, for living out loud the nobility, dignity, and divinity of being human, and uplifting and inspiring those who have forgotten.

“What Creating a Happier Life Will Demand of You”

Price of Happiness

We live in a time when information is abundant about pretty much everything, including how to be happy. Even the US Declaration of Independence offers “unalienable right” to happiness as guaranteed by it’s government. And yet happiness seems to be elusive as realized by any manner of measuring the happiness of the human race. So what gives?

Happiness lies in being congruent with your soul and purpose and living your sovereignty. Yet we have been taught our soul is for matters not earthly and to conform for keeping safe and being considered normal. And therein lies the rub-claiming your right to happiness will require you to get uncomfortable, to take risks, to be true to yourself first.

Living your sovereignty-living in congruence with your deepest values-is essential for being happy in your life and your relationships. Learning to do so does not come without challenges for untangling from the pain of what is familiar is not always easy. And knowing what is wrong is not enough to make things better. 

Taking on what is causing you pain or is not working in your life takes courage as well as wise guidance and support for keeping on track for realizing your intended changes. Too many women settle for simply complaining about their unhappiness and blaming others for it. Or fall into the trap of embracing their fears as more powerful than the grit and the grace they come endowed with as women. 

Consider yourself blessed if your life or a relationship challenges you, for at the heart of the challenge is the call for you to live more of who you truly are. Yes, it will mean you will be uncomfortable at times and question choices you are currently making. Yet unlike what you’ve been taught, happiness comes through how you respond to what life brings you, not the false belief you can control life or others for your happiness.

Happiness is your birthright and what your heart and soul desire for you. Creating a happier life or relationship will require you to make changes in your choices through your actions. Doing so may not be easy at times, yet learning to flex the muscles of your soul and your grace as a woman will yield much better results than blaming others for the state of your happiness. Life has a way of insisting change happens and as the saying goes, what we resist, persists!

“Claim your true story…….not the lies you scare yourself with”

Last week I took my daughter to visit one of her college choices and as fate would have it, a college I had attended for a year. As I listened to the Director of Admissions talk, my mind wandered into past decisions and feelings I was realizing were still present. I had chosen this college for its program of environmental science, yet after a miserable freshman year, I transferred to another college in the same town, happy to keep friends and housing the same.

I enjoyed my time as an architectural student and felt no regrets for becoming an architect instead of an environmental scientist. Yet I would be lying if I said I have not wondered over the years if I wimpled out by transferring to a different college instead of staying where I was and making it work. My parents had taught me to vanquish any obstacle in my way-not to go around them, let alone walk away from them. But as life has helped me to learn, a strength applied indiscriminately can be less of an asset and more of a liability.

I listened to the admissions director talk about how attending an academically challenging college “made what was most valuable to a person (pointing to her head) strong”. The 3rd time she pointed to her head as the most valuable part of a person, MY head had the most wonderful epiphany! My decision to change colleges was a wise and courageous choice to honor what I needed, not a weakness of character on my part nor wimping out on a challenge.

So why had I been judging myself as lacking all these years?

Because I had not consciously claimed changing colleges as better for me, I had defaulted to my family’s belief I had failed a challenge. The story I’ve told myself for years was that I lacked what it took to succeed, when the truth was the college lacked what I needed. I didn’t realize at the time leaving home didn’t mean I had left behind beliefs not my own. I was young and did not understand the difference between leaving something and letting it go.

Looking now at what often has seemed the mystery of my life, I can see the beautiful designs of my soul’s guidance towards my destiny. Bending to one’s soul is not always easy and at times lonely and solitary of family and even friends. When life challenges you for learning to stay true to yourself, it takes both grace and grit to do so and at times you may question your sanity. Yet trusting your soul’s wisdom will bring you deeper understanding of yourself and your purpose in life that your intellect alone could ever bring you.

footprints

 I leave you with a few suggestions, ones well worth spending some time alone with or in a supported process of being witnessed.

  • Reconsider the story you tell about yourself, with a heart willing to receive your mistakes, your failures as footprints where your soul showed up to redirect you towards a destiny.
  • Honor where you stood to your needs, your preferences, your way of being instead of telling yourself how you were wrong, weak, or defective somehow.
  • Your true story is one where you are much less perfect, for your “flaws” make you much more interesting!
  • Look at yourself through the eyes of your soul and hold as precious where you believed you lacked, choosing to treasure yourself instead.

“Are You Being True to Yourself–or Justifying Why Not?”

Integrity_1_Thought_Shapers_Creating_My_Best_Life1f8136(image courtesy of Creating my Best Life)

In this second article, I’ll be talking about 3 little words which reflect where you are not being true to yourself. The presence of these 3 words in how you talk to yourself, about yourself, or about your life, are important clues to why you are not enjoying the power and privileges of being a grown up. The words? ”Coulda, woulda, shoulda”- 3 little words used when you are vacating your power, used when you are out of integrity with yourself, and used when you have forgotten you are a god/dess walking the earth.

Women especially suffer from the culturally-reinforced vacating of power while men suffer from cultural norms which box them into false power. (Check out my earlier article on women’s contemporary power) The presence of “woulda, coulda, shoulda”-in your beliefs, in how you talk to yourself and with others, in how you make your choices-offer useful information of where you are not being true to yourself. “Woulda, coulda, shoulda” undermine you, disempower you, and diss your nobility, your dignity, and your sovereignty. Not cool!

 Try Out This

1. Begin to notice where you are saying “I woulda…., I coulda…, I shoulda…” and notice the silent “but” when using these 3 words. “I woulda spoken up, but……”, “I wish I coulda gone on vacation this year, but….”, “I know I shoulda been honest with her, but….”. Notice how you feel as you hear yourself say “woulda, coulda, shoulda…but…” Are you feeling behind what you are saying? Or do you feel yourself offering an excuse, blaming, or distancing yourself from what you saying, what you want…maybe even scared? Ouch.

2. Now take these 3 words and choose to replace them consciously with words of chosen action. For example: “I am speaking up about this being wrong”, “I am excited and saving for my vacation this summer!”, “I am going to be honest with sharing how I feel when we talk”. Notice how “I am” replaces “but” and how differently it feels to proclaim “I am”?

3. Notice the difference in how you feel as you voice “I am” vs a “woulda, coulda, shoulda… but…”? Can you feel how taking responsibility-“I am” feels more empowered than “I woulda, coulda, shoulda…… but……?

When you use “coulda woulda shoulda” in talking about your choices in life, you are using words to justify not taking action for being true to yourself, for what you truly want in life. This does not mean you are a scoundrel (love this word), without hope, or a bad person. It does mean your history includes being shamed, wronged, or unsafe with telling the truth. You are not alone in this-and-being a grown up requires picking up your courage for claiming what is true for you in life. As I remind the brave people I work with, along with the power to create the life of your dreams (being a grown up) comes the responsibility to do so.

Look for my 3rd article in the series on being a grown up. Our world is in a historical transition and living your presence, power, and purpose in the world has never been more important. And your being a grown up will be in a manner different than how you were taught and how modeled before.

The Power of Small for All

power_of_small

I am blessed to have studied with teachers and healers both Eastern and Western for almost 4 decades, learning ancient wisdom and technology about women, men, and relationships. One pivotal learning has been understanding how power for women initiates from within, from a dynamic relationship with her soul and grace. And, how different the world would be if women honored their power to create change in their world.

Understanding women’s capacity and caliber initiates why women are considered crucial leadership our world and times need. Women in essence inspire and uplift others to their capacity and caliber in life as well as offering their own creativity and infinite resources. The challenge to women’s essential nature (and power in service) comes when women believe their impact too small, in lives already so busy tending roles and relationships.

One of my favorite reminders about power and impact is the saying “small contains all”. What your mind calls small is not, for your choices come from your desires, your values, your beliefs, your creativity, your power to create. When you live as though all your daily choices contain power and impact, you begin to create more of your desires in your life and the world.

The changes and challenges of life can feel overwhelming and you can doubt yourself and your power to create your desired life. When you honor your daily choices as powerful and sacred, your life, your relationships, and your world will change in ways both delightful and magical. Small does indeed contain all.

So how can you realize the power of your small?

Show Up. Wherever you find yourself in life, show up. If you are less than thrilled with where you find yourself, commit to becoming more aware of how you talk to yourself and what you are telling yourself as you choose your words and actions. Never doubt the wisdom of where you find yourself in life. Life is for learning about yourself and as you honor your learning and make different choices, life will move you closer to your clarity of desires.

Stand Up. Your presence is powerful and sharing your values, your integrity, your service is critical for realizing your happiness and impact in life. Believing your life will change when you finally get the courage to make that one big. radical. sexy choice which will change everything you don’t like about yourself or your life is magical thinking. But when you stand up for what makes you happy, when you stand up for your deepest values and dreams, your life will align with where you stand up for yourself and your dreams.

Speak Up. Learning to speak up in your roles, in your relationships, in your daily life is not small at all. When you speak up, it may appear tnothing changes… time will tell. Yet choosing not to speak up vacates your power and your presence for making a difference life and world. More than once I have been surprised how words I spoke-sometimes reluctantly-came back as the inspiration or example another person needed to have the courage to speak or act. Never doubt that your truth spoken is powerful, for you inspire not only change but others as well when you speak up.

It is in the small choices we make every day that we create the life we are living. Never mistake small for less than all powerful. Daily choices of heart and soul create a life full of heart and soul….a life we are all meant to live big every day.

 

Remembering You Are The Adi Shakti-Pivot Your Patterns of Anger & Pain Into Joy with Your Power, Purpose, and Passion as Woman”

Women spend much of their time and energy supporting and doing for others, yet often feel unhappy with the lack of support and respect they receive in return. Symptoms of not honoring your own life show up as feeling overwhelmed, a lack of time and energy for what has meaning and value for your own life, and crankiness towards those you are supporting and in relationship with. In short, you have forgotten you are the Adi Shakti-the creative power within all that is. To honor yourself as the Adi Shakti is to attend not only to your responsibilities and the well-being of those you love…..to honor yourself as the Adi Shakti is to place caring for yourself as woman your sacred priority, for your health and happiness is essential for the health and happiness of those you love as well.

In this monthly inter-active event, JaiKaur will share the ancient wisdom of women’s presence, power, and purpose known in the Orient as the Adi Shakti. And how discerning, deciphering, and deciding differently eases not only what challenges you in life, but what is challenging in your relationships as well. Come with a friend, come with your questions, come with your curiosity and leave with more of your clarity, conviction, and courage for living your depth and dimension as woman.

This monthly event is held the first Friday of each month from 7-8:30 pm at Roots and Wings in Natick MA. Donation of $30 to a local non-profit to attend. Please RSVP JaiKaur at JaiKaur@JaiKaur.com or call JaiKaur @ 508.376.2146 to reserve your attendance at this event.  More about JaiKaur and her services can be found at her website www.jaikaur.com

 

Begin Anew: Transform Patterns of Pain and Anger into Living Your Power, Purpose, and Passion

 Women spend much of their time and energy supporting and tasking for others, yet often feel unhappy with the lack of support and respect offered in return. Symptoms of not honoring your own life show up as feeling overwhelmed, a lack of time and energy for what has meaning and value for your own life, and crankiness towards those you are supporting and in relationship with. In short, you have forgotten you are the Adi Shakti-the creative power of all that is. To be the Adi Shakti is to attend not only to your responsibilities and the well-being of those you love…..to honor yourself as the Adi Shakti is to care for yourself as a woman sacred, your health and happiness essential to the health and happiness of those you love and the world as well.

In this inter-active event, JaiKaur will share the ancient wisdom of women’s presence, power, and purpose known in the Orient as the Adi Shakti. And how healing your inner anger and ancestral pain, transforms not only yourself, but your relationships and your world as well. Come with a friend, come with your questions, come with your pain and leave with clarity, conviction, and courage in your infinite possibilities as a woman.

Friday February 1st, 2013 from 7-8:30 pm EST at Roots & Wings, Natick MA

Suggested donation of $20 to the Animal Rescue League of Boston.

For more information email Jaikaur@JaiKaur.com or call 508.376.2146

“Delighting in Your Sacred Partnership of Destiny and Divinity as Woman”

 We live in a time when our minds alone cannot meet the challenges and changes life is demanding we meet.  Leaving the age of mental logic/linear thinking for an age when sensory experiences and multi-dimensional intelligence will rule, gives woman an advantage, for women’s depth and dimension excel in the sensory realm. It is for these qualities of women and more the Dalai Lama has declared women will lead the healing and changes we need in our world.

 Life as a woman is a gift….and sharing the radiance and wisdom of your soul is living gratitude for your gift of life.  Your soul is the source of your life, the source of your wisdom and strength, and your wise friend for life.  Happiness is realized through the victory of your soul in what challenges you in life…victories which strengthen your spirit for delighting in your destiny and divinity as woman.

 Here are some of the gems you will learn in our time together:

  • How challenging your insecurity releases your wisdom, strength, and joy for living.  (Yes, even gods and goddesses have their achilles heels!)
  • How blessing what life brings you-good or bad-eases challenges and brings sacred resources to your side. (Yup, your mind can be challenged by this truth!)
  • How discerning and deciphering the guidance and support all around you, delivers answers to your questions for how to navigate your life and it’s adventures. (Divinity can be sooo clever!)
  • How being born a woman does make a difference in your power, your purpose, and your presence in life and with others. (Different yes, better than men…..not really!)
  • How relationships based on compassion will become the power of relationships (And choosing to do so will create the peace we all long for!)
  • And your questions will bring forth even more gems! (And being in a community of women will assure you company in your concerns and challenges! )
Join JaiKaur for an enlightening, practical, and interactive afternoon on how befriending your destiny as a woman delivers delight, depth and dimension, and divinity for your life. Come with your questions, your challenges, and your friends and leave inspired, informed, and illuminated by how practical, powerful, and purposeful a relationship with your soul is for living as a woman of spirit in adventurous times.
JaiKaur’s unwavering support for navigating the sometimes rocky passages of life’s changes and challenges offers ease and assurance.  Her wisdom is deep, her heart wide, and her guidance empowers my own wisdom, confidence, and strength.  And JaiKaur’s own experiences of transformation offer a rich palette of inspiration for what is possible when we take up life’s challenges as our opportunities!”.    -Sophia
 Roots and Wings     317 North Main Street     Natick MA  01760

Sunday October 21, 2012 from  1-3 pm 

Fee of $30 includes handouts and bring a friend and it’s $50 for two!  

Register for this event by email jaikaur@jaikaur.com or by calling 508.376.2146.

 JaiKaur is passionate about how a woman’s relationship with her soul and destiny deliver practical and powerful wisdom, strength, and courage to navigate life’s challenges with grace, grit, and gratitude. She mentors, uplifts, and guides women in living their dignity,  divinity, and nobility as women through her buinsess  “Grace Grit and Gratitude”.  Her weekly radio show “Grace Grit and Gratitude” (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/jaikaur) is podcast through iTunes, featuring guests from around the world.  To learn more about JaiKaur and her services for women and to sign-up for her eZine of inspiration and information “Grace Grit & Gratitude” go to her website http://www.gracegritandgratitude.com.

 

“Happiness is Your Birthright”

I love watching the Olympics for what humans are capable of as well as for the stories behind becoming an Olympic althlete. Over and over I hear how the athlete has chosen to commit to what makes them happy, even when that happiness takes sacrifice, courage, and challenges them over and over. As Gabby Douglas said so beautifully “What makes my heart sing, what makes me happier than anything else in life, needs me to be it’s champion”.

Happiness is our birthright and as with any right, requires you to champion it through your actions. Even the US Constitution weighs in on happiness, stating how all citizens of the United States have the right to pursue happiness. And with the Webster dictionary defining the word “right” as “the moral entitlement to have or obtain something or to act in a certain way”, it is clear happiness takes action……action that is yours to take and action we often demand others take for us.

One of the first things I establish when working with a client is clarity on where lies their happiness, for happiness is personal. Often people are living scripts handed to them by those who love them, but whose scripts are not true for YOUR life, times, or happiness. Yes,it takes effort, courage, and investing your resources to discover and champion your happiness in life. And when you pursue your right to happiness and learn how to champion your happiness, you are choosing to empower your life abundant in joy, delight, and satisfaction.

Want to pursue your right to happiness? Check out my suggests below:

1. If you find yourself writing in your journal or diary about the same
“unhappies” as when younger, your right to happiness may need some
pursuing! No need to cast blame or shame, nor compensate when not
happy….reality TVanyone? ACTION- Find yourself a good coach, mentor,
or healer and begin to champion yourself and your happiness as your
right and your priority!

2. Listen to yourself during the day and notice where you blame others
for your feelings, your reactions, your burdens. (This one may take a
few passes as our cultural training supports blaming others for almost
everything!). ACTION-Choose something in your life to pivot from “not
happy” to happy and commit to it for a week and notice what changes.
(One of my faves is keeping my mouth shut when I want to react to those
who bug me with their driving!). When I pivot from reacting/judging,
not only do I take responsibility for my ignorant judgements, I find my
mood is much better at the end of a day of driving!)

3. Take inventory for where in your life you have resigned yourself to
“less than happy”, perhaps even chalked it up to life as an adult. This
is an example of living a script handed to you by those, who while they
loved you, their life is not yours to repeat. Don’t despair…simply
take action, for pursuing happiness needs your attention and your
care. ACTION-Make a list of what makes you happy-no matter how
“childish” it may be-and commit to action on one at least once a week.
It may be challenging to the adult you” but the “child you” knows how
important having fun is for being an adult.

4. Happiness means different things for different people, and even
different things at different times in your life. Make your right to
happiness a priority in your life, gather the support you need for
growing your happiness, and delight in sharing your happy with others.
Don’t despair if your happiness differs from those you love, nor insist
on common happiness. ACTION-Exchange happiness, delight in other’s
happiness, and don’t deny your happiness as deserving your attention,
your time, and your pursuit.

Truth is, it does take effort, can be uncomfortable or challenging to pursue your right to happiness. And, taking responsibility for your own happiness inspires others as well for taking up their right to happiness. And a world with more people championing their happiness is a world with less people choosing blame and unhappiness…..now that sounds like a right happy to me!