“Love Being the Smartest Person in the Room”

A few years back while working with a marketing coach for revisions to my website, I expressed frustration at the conflicting advice I had received about website copy over the years. He laughed and said something which struck that “wisdom bell” we all have within us. “Never forget you are the smartest person in the room JaiKaur”. I laughed but then went back to pondering which expert I should listen to about how to make my website copy better.

I’ve never met a women who doesn’t feel she is somehow lacking. Whether not skinny enough, sexy enough, productive enough, the bottom line is she is “not enough”. Instead of challenging the truth of the insidious voice of where we are lacking, we purchase products marketed for this lack, or feel shame about that lack, or simply give up on feeling content and at ease with being as we are. 

Woman

Your life contains a finite number of breaths and an infinite number of choices to celebrate your being and life. Yet all too often a woman’s experience of her life is a confusion of messages from people past and present about her purpose and worth. ‘Confusion clears and clarity reigns when you learn to receive the softer voice within you whose sole purpose is to illuminate your life’s true purpose and your worth as most precious. 

At the end of the day, the choices you make in your life and your relationships are yours alone to live and breathe. No matter how good someone makes something sound, no matter how much authority you give someone, you alone answer for the choices you make at the end of the day. Chances are good you already know what’s true for you, making you the smartest person in the room-about you! Now the only thing that’s keeping you from enjoying what you know is trusting and committing 1000% to what you know and taking consistent action towards your goals and dreams, inspired by your knowing.

So practice trusting yourself more, trusting what you like more, and taking action inspired by the wisdom within you, more. The more you practice the better you’ll get at loving yourself and the life you are creating. Learn to dial into the wisdom within yourself and to receive the softer voice as the voice you trust – not the voice which tells you how you are not enuf! Really own your choices, embrace your courage, and empower a love affair with yourself and with your life. For you truly are the smartest person in the room about what makes you happy and how to live your life on purpose.

 

“May You Live in Interesting Times”

What interesting times we live in. Being a student of woman’s history and potential, I find the dynamics of the president campaign fascinating. Some of the earlier missed takes of women’s empowerment are repeating themselves, but progress not perfection is how creation works. What is it to exercise power as a woman? What is it to be supportive as a woman yet still be true to myself? How can I live my precious life with integrity to my values and purpose and honor the roles I engage in my life as a woman? 

We live in times most interesting, a time when so much of what we’ve been taught is true, is changing before our eyes. Truths such as what is power? what is family? what do we give authority to? are breath-taking in their change. And terrifying can feel the degree of change in what we once believed kept us secure and safe in life. 

Even planned revolutions bring unplanned challenges to staying true and on purpose to the heart of the revolution. Women are being asked to heal the wounds of the historical rage within them while also birthing new forms of power and relationship with those who wounded them in the past. Yet, while all revolutions have their traps as well as their treasures, navigating the choices and changes showing up in your life simply needs you to live the grace and grit your birth as a woman bestowed upon you.

“How’s Your 2016 Treating You?”

Freaking out

I don’t know about you, but 2016 is already requiring me to exercise more neutrality, wisdom, and courage for not freaking out in response to the challenges and changes life is sending my way. Now don’t get me wrong, freaking out has it’s place in life-not unlike how a good thunderstorm clears the air. But freaking out onto the people you care about (including yourself) does not end well. All that time and energy spent in emotional drama is sooo 2015!

The free Tele-class “Your Soul Medicine as Woman” I offered earlier this month offered me many reasons to freak out. Beginning with my assistant forgetting to send out the call-in numbers before going on holiday, to the recording function failing, my inner “you’re a screw up” dragon had a field day with me. Yup, 2016 began with great reasons for me to freak out and feel powerless, but this is not how I roll when I remember to engage my grace, grit, and gratitude as a woman.

As I shared in my tele-class, women need to call on their soul medicine for navigating contemporary life’s changes and challenges and keeping their happiness and purpose intact. “May you live in challenging times” is said to be a blessing, yet without engaging the tools and strength your soul offers you, the challenges life sends your way will seem overwhelming and have you feeling helpless. Learning how to receive and decipher your soul’s guidance changes feeling afraid and hopeless to living your happiness and purpose.

I invite you to CLICK HERE for a FREE phone session with me, for why feel alone with your worries, fear, or sleepless nights? Perhaps you already know what you want or need to change, but feel helpless or hopeless to make the changes. Woman are gifted with many strengths and skills, yet caring for yourself as well as you do others can be challenging. Take a minute and ask yourself if 2016 is the year you learn how to claim the grace, grit, and gratitude within you as a woman. Or if 2016 is the year you continue to feel helpless, hopeless, or unhappy with your life or relationships.

“Have You Forgotten the Most Important Valentine of All?”

Valentine

“Have you forgotten the most important Valentine of all?”

We are heading into Valentine’s Day and I remember with fondness, decorating many a shoebox with glitter and paper lace doilies for my classmates to put their Valentines into. Making the choice of whether to give Scooby Doo Valentines or Mickey and Minnie Mouse Valentines was a ritual I eagerly looked forward to every February. And I smile when I pull out the old Valentines I made for my parents during art. Oh, the days of love being simple and fun!

Celebrating love became a bit more complicated as I grew older. Parents lost their luster and pledges of true love turned into betrayal. I watch sadly as people once happy in love, angrily rewrite their history as never having been so. Was love just a fool’s game or is there more to why love seems to have gone from fun as a child to risky as an adult?

Love suffers from a myth which can lead people in relationships to being hurt and becoming bitter about their beloved. The myth? That if a person loves you, they are to make you happy. So… if you are unhappy, the person you love is at fault. Recognize this myth? This myth has done so much damage in relationships that when I spot this myth operating in a client’s life, I call it out for what it is–a lie which hurts all involved.

The truth is that the job of being happy begins with you. Who knows better than you what makes you feel good, what tickles your funny bone, what makes you feel all is right with your world? Only when you learn to love yourself, to support and honor yourself, are you truly able to have a happy and loving relationship with another. Without loving yourself first, you are limited in the love you can receive as well as give another person.

So this Valentine’s Day, don’t forget your most important Valentine of all-YOU! Take some time for loving yourself just as you are. Like old movies? Then watch one this weekend instead of making excuses about why you can’t. Think a clean house is over-rated? Give yourself a day-hell a weekend!-of not telling yourself to tidy up and really enjoy a bit of mess. This Valentine’s Day weekend, shower some true loving on yourself, for loving others always begins with you.

“Why Being a Good Girl Won’t Bring You Happiness”

Good Girl“Why Being a Good Girl Won’t Bring You Happiness”

I am truly blessed to work with women who courageously take up change for being happier in their life and relationships. They are tired of compensating for their unhappiness with food, or shopping, or by (always) complaining to their friends and family. These women have spent years being the good girls they were taught to be as children. But being a good girl hasn’t brought them happiness and tired of being unhappy, they reach out for help for being happy again.

Being a good girl can serve to make important adults happy when you’re a child. But being a good girl as an adult not only keeps your happiness at bay, it keeps the happiness of those you love at bay as well. The saying “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody be happy” is not a judgment about unhappy women, but a truth about the impact a happy (or unhappy) woman has in her relationships and life.

How happy/unhappy you truly are is felt by all you care for in life. Putting on a smile and pretending to be happy does not fool anyone but yourself. When I invite a woman to be silent less and share herself more with those important to her, fear of being rejected is often the reason she has not done so. Yet the price of not being authentic in your relationships erodes your self-respect and trust of yourself and others. The woman begins to realize how pledging allegiance to relationships or institutions which don’t honor her, are relationships and institutions she can ill afford for being happy in her life.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  • If you no longer believed you needed to be a good girl for being happy in life, what would you change in your life or relationships?
  • What would you stand up to-that you now only complain about or feel helpless to make better-if you had support?
  • Would you be more willing to make different choices if more happiness and self-respect would be your result?
  • If you could be happier if you reached out for help, what stops you?

The questions above are not meant for you to answer by yourself. Only recently have we embraced a belief of strength as being solitary. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty clear how that’s (not) working for us. Talk about these questions with those you trust and I’d love to hear from you!

The Business of Love-Part 2

Healing Relationshisps

 In last week’s article “The Business of Love-Part 1” I talked about how the kissing cousins of intimacy and vulnerability are essential choices and actions (or what I call business) for realizing happiness and success in love and life relationships. In today’s article, I am sharing more about what is essential for your happiness and satisfaction to flourish in your love and and life relationships.

So what other business is essential for your happiness and satisfaction in life and love?

1. Correcting the habit of tending to others more or before tending to yourself.

Most women are challenged by this habit of generations. Being told serving others is noble and appropriate to being a woman is not a bad message or choice, but a message often leaving women devoid of time and energy to care for themselves. I call this mortgaging yourself to buy acceptance, appreciation, or even love and the price women pay is anger, resentment, and negativity with others. Simply put, you cannot give to another what you yourself do not have to give yourself.

2. Learning how relationships in life and love have their ages and stages.

This wisdom can bring you patience and ease when your the needs and nature of your relationship shifts and changes are required. Relationships reflect the needs and the natures of the people in them and to resist change is to resist what you or your loved one needs. As people change-and we all do-different choices are required for maintaining happiness and satisfaction in their relationships. (And did you know relationships shift focus every 7 years?).

3. Realizing what you’ve been taught about men and women-their needs and nature-is not accurate nor useful for happiness and satisfaction in contemporary relationships.

You can love your parents-and, patterns they passed onto you need not be ones you live your life by. Much of what you have been taught-consciously and unconsciously-about women, men, and their relationships, is simply not accurate. Most of what is unsuccessful and leads to unhappiness in relationships can be fixed really quite easily, once you update your learning and understanding of the needs and nature of women, men, and their relationships.

4. Making the mistake of judging what comes your way in your live or love relationship as reflecting your value or even another’s love.

The truth is, what comes your way in life and in love comes to you for reminding you of your capacity, your caliber, and your compassion. The largesse of your soul (and life) does not set you up to fail nor to feel unloved. The challenges which come your way in your relationships simply require your unique responses for making your love and your life “more”.

There is so much more which makes up the business of love and relationships in life…..learning how your personality will excel at rationalizations and justifications for continuing what is not working in your relationships vs the quieter voice of your soul urging your surrender to love, the fear you are taught about emotions hijacking you vs learning to decipher the wisdom emotions bring you, the habits and norms which damage your relationships in life and love, and more. Your relationships can be powerful, wonderful, life-changing when you update your learning about the nature and needs of women and men.

 

About Working with Me!

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 I am blessed to work with people whose commitment to changing their life or relationships is sincere. Their commitment, courage, and willingness to make different choices results in more happiness and satisfaction in their life and their relationships. You can read my client’s expressions of gratitude they have shared with me and one client went so far as to share her gratitude for the results of our work together in an article she wrote for the newsletter “Namaste Insights Fall 2013”.  

In her article (beginning on page 27), Johanna Maaghul shares her story and how working with me gave her both practical insight and new tools to transform challenges in her life and in her marriage. As Johanna shared in her article, working with me gave her both a new understanding of her power as a woman and a marriage partner, as well as a powerful way to engage what challenged her in life and relationship.

Kudos to you Johanna for your commitment to happiness in your life and marriage as well as sharing your story so others may be inspired to understand how challenges can be a powerful gift, even a blessing.

Remembering You are Queen: The Emerging Leadership of Women’s Power and Compassion

In the Orient, ancient wisdom holds women as “The Adi Shakti”, Sanskrit meaning “the power which creates all”. Given how woman both contain and are the vehicle for all life human, this understanding of women’s powerful depth and dimension is indeed wisdom, even if wisdom not honored. At one time in human history, women’s powerful service as “the grace of god” was revered, and in our time, honoring women has disintegrated into the denigration of women as well as the destruction of the (feminine) Earth.  Now, as the Age of Separation ends and the Age of Illumination begins,  women’s partnership of divinity and destiny is being called forth for leadership, through empowered compassion, in tending the wounds of not only themselves as women, but their relationships with,  and men as well.

 A women carries within herself a lineage of pain and anger from centuries of her ancestor’s powers being feared by men, fueling not only the destruction of women, but men’s relationships with women and the Earth as well. The challenge for contemporary women is to heal the historical patterns of pain and anger they carry within as women, and to transform “power over” into “compassion with”.  What will make this possible?  When women choose again to be Queen in how they lead their life.  Claiming yourself as Queen is claiming the stage of mid-life power and service missing from the Western model of women’s role progression from child, maiden, mother (Queen) and crone.  (And for all mid-life women who have been reluctant to embrace crone as their next stage, high-five your inner knowing!).

 So how does a woman claim herself  (as Queen)?  Simple….she remembers she is Adi Shakti……the power that creates all.  A woman honors her unique wisdom, strengths, and leadership as fundamental to the happiness and health of not only her life, but all she serves as well.  She remembers tending to her heart and soul is not simply an entry on her to-do lists,  nor does she hand the sacred right of claiming “what is true” over to authority outside herself.  A Queen honors her body as the multi-sensory temple is it for receiving guidance and support from the sacred realms. A Queen remembers she is never alone, for within her is the presence of her heart and soul as well as all in the unseen realms that care and tend to her. And a Queen knows a community of women is critical for her well-being as well as for her role as the guardian for all life.

 Being born a woman is a destiny of leadership through inspiration, healing, and embodied compassion for meeting the challenges and changes of our world. Throughout the ages, the strength of a nation was known by how women were honored and the presence of women’s wisdom in guiding the nation.  The age we are entering is calling upon women’s leadership, powers, and compassion for guiding our world through challenges our minds alone cannot meet.  It is a time calling upon our deepest wisdom and power, heart and soul, with women’s mastery of mystery, leading our way.

The Poetry of a Dead Bee

Last week, while in my garage gathering tools for working in my yard, I heard the sound of a bee buzzing.  Interpreting the buzz as angry, I made haste from the garage as I am allergic to bee stings.  A few days later, I found the bee dead on the table in the garage and realizing my mistake, tears sprung to my eyes.

The bee was the endangered honey bee and had been serving in my yard.  In feeling my sorrow at it’s preventable death, I realized my mistake.  I had heard the bee’s buzzing as anger and it was my response to anger-not my medical risk-that led me to turn away from helping the bee escape the garage.
 
Now, you might be thinking “Really JaiKaur….you are going to feel badly about something as small as a dead bee!?”.  My short answer is yes….my longer answer is there is nothing small about the power of emotions.  Taking the care and time to tend to our  emotions, can lead to learning both surprising as well as powerful.
 
In my family growing up, anger was the emotion most common and used often as a stand-in for other emotions being felt.  Sadness, disappointment, anxiety and more were also present, but these emotions were not safe for expression (and they signaled weakness).  The “one size fits all” of anger in our family meant anger expressed was often emotional messaging confused.
 
My commitment to renovate my relationship with emotions has resulted in benefits great. I have learned emotions-not unlike the written language-have a poetry as well….. poetry being where rules step aside for an expression of soul.  The poetry of this dead bee offered itself for learning how I responded to my perception of anger with fear.  And if my misunderstanding of an emotion led to the death of a bee, where else were my emotional misperceptions creating harm?

In your daily life, in your relationships and love, in your longing to live your wild and precious gift of life….where are you misunderstanding an emotion? Here are suggestions for updating your relationship with your emotions:

  •  Anger is an emotion that has gotten a bad rap and an emotion often used to cover other, more vulnerable, emotions.  Where do you use anger to cover other emotions or to diminish your intimacy with others?  (Mmm….)
  • What emotions scare you-in yourself and when expressed by others?  What scares you about this emotion?  What do you believe would happen if you simply let yourself feel  emotion instead of controlling your emotions?
  • Where do you find yourself hijacked by your response to other people’s emotions-otherwise known as reacting?  Ask yourself if reacting to the other person somehow keeps you safe, for often our reactions stem from our need to be safe or in control.
  • What we consider safe at one stage of life will change with time and learning from our experiences in life.  What reactions to emotions of yours are old hat and need to be updated?  (Hint-they are the ones where you don’t feel better after you react).
We have been taught to label our emotions as “good/bad, right/wrong, spiritual/not spiritual etc”.  Emotions are simply energy offering us understanding and wisdom about our life, as long as we can allow the emotion to unfold.  The next time you find yourself reacting to an emotion-yours or another’s-pause and invite yourself to become open and curious instead. I did and the poetry of a bee brought me learning for understanding the difference between anger and a call for help.

 

 

“Women’s Evolving Relationship With Men”

Articles such as “The End of Men” and “Are Fathers Necessary” while provocative, trivialize and distort the seismic evolutionary changes between women and men. Yes, the relationships between women and men are being buffeted by strong evolutionary winds, whether the relationship is of love, work, or family. And while the facts of expanding choices, opportunities, and social mores may be held as cause, the truth is evolution is transforming power through the relationships of women and men.

The evolving power of relationship requires women embrace a form of power distinct from the current power paradigm, not simple assume it’s helm. The evolution of power requires the courage of women to take up their healing, to wield their power as women, and to commit as women to honoring all as sacred. Women’s compassion and love, our gift of vision, and our sacred inspiration and wisdom are critical for leading not only our life, but our world.

On my computer is a note where I have written the reminder “understand all through compassion or to mis-undertand these times”. Compassion is choosing to respond with the heart and soul of ourselves to another….essential when our initial impulse is to react at another. And while my emotions may dance me around and my mind may lead to me judgment, committing to compassion reminds me we are soul companions in the journey of life. And, choosing compassion requires the courage of our heart and soul.

So what does compassion have to do with the changes in women’s relationships with men? The relationships of women and men are changing from power of men over women to women’s independence expanding her choices in life. These evolutionary changes challenge not only the relationships of women and men, they also challenge women in how and what our newly empowered self serves. With power, will women dismiss men as we were once dismissed and denigrated or will we choose to heal and transform power? Without compassion as a guiding value, the distortions created from power without consideration for all of life will simply repeat itself.

So how do you begin to become aware of your power as woman in your relationships with men?

* Become aware of where you either diminish or elevate yourself in your relationships with men. Is your inner talk about men, yourself, and other women pivotal in your life inspiring?

* Become aware of your beliefs about women and men in relationship. Are these truths you want to continue fueling with your life or hand-me-downs in need of updating or discarding?

* Become aware of where you expect men to either rescue you or place them in the driver’s seat for your happiness. Are you willing to empower your own happiness, mproving the happiness with the men in your life?

* Become aware of where self-care is calling; self-care is essential for not only our body but our heart and soul as well. Where we lack self-care is often where we demand another cares, demands not constructive to happy and healthy relationships.

The invitation inherent in any crisis or challenge is the opportunity to improve what is. The invitation in the crisis in the relationships of women with men, of the masculine with the feminine, is to improve what is. A Cherokee wisdom says it well: “A woman, I go into the darkness to heal my wounding and as woman, I emerge from the darkness only then able to heal man”. As women, as the grace of god, healing our past is our sacred call to transform our future, serve our sacred destiny as women. My prayer is as women, we truly embrace healing into our power as women, for the benefit of all living.