“Are You Choosing Better or Bitter When Life Bites?”

better or bitter?

Many women struggle with an injustice, a wrong done them by someone they love or by life. They believed being a good person insured them of good in life, yet now they find themselves struggling in an important relationship or their health under seige. “It’s not fair” or “why me?” are thoughts which hound them and their faith in life and people is badly shaken, including their faith in themselves.

I have great empathy for their pain and frustration for I too have felt betrayed by both people and my body. The betrayals felt devastating at the time and I remember feeling so lost as my rules for life had failed me. Who and what was I to trust? Certainly not people, and it felt as though God was on vacation at the very time I needed his help! When your world falls apart, it can be scary and confusing how to make things better….I know.

Life is not fair, at least not the way your mind tells you it ought to be. A crisis in life challenges our belief in life as fair as well as that life plays by the rules we’ve made up for control in life. If we were like machines, performing tasks as our life, our desire for life to be predicable and as we want it to be would be, well, logical. Alas, we are not machines, rather an alchemy of the temporary physical and the eternal spiritual.

Mystery rules life yet navigating life and creating happy and satisfying results does not need to be mysterious. People will disappoint you and life will challenge you, yet your happiness in life comes not from what and who you control, but through your responses with people and in life. Embracing your life as an offers you the opportunity time and time again for the mystery of your life to delight and inspire you.

When you find yourself in a painful place in life, you DO have the power to make things better. How?

1. Reach out for help even if you are afraid. Many a client has confessed to me how scared she was and how hard it was to email me for setting up their free Clarity Session with me. Their fear and lack of confidence in themselves fought with their deeper desire to enjoy more happiness in their life and relationships. Having the courage to change your life for the better does not mean you don’t have fear. Choosing the courage to reach out for help means your fears don’t win and you do.

2. Tend better to your emotions for becoming better, not bitter, in life. Let me give you an example. You’ve noticed your hubby seems unhappy and you are both irritated he’s unhappy and afraid to ask him why he’s so unhappy. What does he have to be unhappy about? No one seems to care if you’re happy or not!

Notice the bitterness creeping in? Your emotions are competing for your attention with caring about your hubby. Learning to tend to your emotions as a way you love yourself as well as others, prevents becoming resentful of those you love. Being a martyr is highly over-rated and bitterness is so yesterday!

3. Understand the difference between the false power of control and the true power of your responses. It is easy to become bitter when life bites you when you believe you are powerless to make things better. Learning you have within you what you need for victory with life’s challenges, makes both your life and the people in it, much more fun!

I trust life and I can teach you to trust yourself in life as well. Life wants you to be healthy and happy, and through engaging your holy, you can be. (Did you know that the words heal, holy, and whole all are from the same root word “whole”?) The grace in your life simply needs your grit to engage for creating a life you are in gratitude for.

“Why Being a Good Girl Won’t Bring You Happiness”

Good Girl“Why Being a Good Girl Won’t Bring You Happiness”

I am truly blessed to work with women who courageously take up change for being happier in their life and relationships. They are tired of compensating for their unhappiness with food, or shopping, or by (always) complaining to their friends and family. These women have spent years being the good girls they were taught to be as children. But being a good girl hasn’t brought them happiness and tired of being unhappy, they reach out for help for being happy again.

Being a good girl can serve to make important adults happy when you’re a child. But being a good girl as an adult not only keeps your happiness at bay, it keeps the happiness of those you love at bay as well. The saying “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody be happy” is not a judgment about unhappy women, but a truth about the impact a happy (or unhappy) woman has in her relationships and life.

How happy/unhappy you truly are is felt by all you care for in life. Putting on a smile and pretending to be happy does not fool anyone but yourself. When I invite a woman to be silent less and share herself more with those important to her, fear of being rejected is often the reason she has not done so. Yet the price of not being authentic in your relationships erodes your self-respect and trust of yourself and others. The woman begins to realize how pledging allegiance to relationships or institutions which don’t honor her, are relationships and institutions she can ill afford for being happy in her life.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  • If you no longer believed you needed to be a good girl for being happy in life, what would you change in your life or relationships?
  • What would you stand up to-that you now only complain about or feel helpless to make better-if you had support?
  • Would you be more willing to make different choices if more happiness and self-respect would be your result?
  • If you could be happier if you reached out for help, what stops you?

The questions above are not meant for you to answer by yourself. Only recently have we embraced a belief of strength as being solitary. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty clear how that’s (not) working for us. Talk about these questions with those you trust and I’d love to hear from you!

Embrace More of Your Mystery!

 

 

 One of the unexpected delights of motherhood was how the curiosity and delight my children brought to each day spilled over into my life as well. Mystery was not a challenge nor the unknown of the world experienced as a threat. Mystery instead was an invitation to engage and enjoy, to discover and delight, to be curious and creative. Waking up to a new day of life was reason enough to wake up excited. It is this quality of innocence combined with fearlessness that Buddhists term “beginnner’s mind”and Jesus talked about as being more powerful in reaching “heaven” than the power of accumuled wealth.

With time and learning from those older than ourselves, being realistic, practical, logical, and safe became how we met our days instead. Choices that with the passing of time and with the grace of awareness, we realize are false gods for happiness and satisfaction in our life. What feeds our soul we often mete out to ourselves in portions miserly, while being generous in our efforts to avoid life’s mysteries. No wonder we can find ourselves depressed, despairing, and denying what we love in life!

If you would like to engage the gifts of mystery more and dispense with being less than happy, here are my suggestions:

1. Schedule time each week to be lazy, be unavailable, be non-productive for an hour or two. Becoming anxious just reading these words? Then you may have a case of joie de vivre challenge. Solution? Ask a friend to partner with you for scheduling time off the hamster wheel of tasking your life away.

2. Studies too plentiful to reference here illustrate again and again how living like a “human doing”can kill you. Even our logical, realistic, practical scientific studies shows how essential relaxation and enjoyment are for the health of your mind, body, and soul. Seems as though it actually IS logical and practical to take time to play and daydream, especially for grown ups.

3. When your realize what brings you pleasure or joy, don’t rationalize it away nor defend it to others……embrace it. Being part of a family tribe is primal and being part of a tribe brings the challenge of claiming your sovereignty and integrity. So while we all have family patterns that at times challenge us, embracing the power of being a grown up grants you the ability to pivot patterns that pain you into empowered choices for joy and for living what has heart and soul for you.

4. Commit to daily care of your soul; it is as essential for your health and happiness as the self-care you offer your body and mind. Learn to meditate and if you don’t like one way of meditating, try another, for there are many many ways to meditate. Meditation’s effects on developing parts of our brain other than the limbic-fight or flight-brain are well-documented, making meditation essential for our changing and challenging world. And the care of your soul benefits your body and mind as well as no longer being at the behest of your primal reactions in life. (Check out the book “How God Changes Your Brain” for current results on meditation’s effects on brain development)

Now while I am making light of our over-scheduled, information-overloaded, task-oriented world we live in, the results of to-do lists that never end is no laughing matter. When we value “doing” more than engaging the mystery of ourselves and life, we suffer in health, happiness, and wholi-ness. There is an upper limit to the return of “doing” and truly no limit to the benefits of engaging our mystery and majesty of being. (Did you know the word “hue-man”derives from Latin and means “the radiant being”?)

My loving challenge to you is this.… once a day, go from tending your to-do list to taking an action for the sole purpose of being happy. Not an action you can justify for a purpose practical, not an action you can justify in service of another….simply an action for the singular purpose of making youself feel good….period. Delight again in the sensual experiences of a body, revel in the deliciousness of your physical senses, and allow more of the awesome sensory experiences offered with every breath you take.