“Are Ghosts Haunting Your Relationships?”

ghost

In my last article “The Calculus of Relationship”  I talked about how simply pointing fingers at who is wrong in a relationship not going so well, does not make things better. In this follow-up article, I talk about how what may be wreaking havoc in a relationship may not even be present. Yup, could be a ghost haunting your relationship!.

So what do I mean by ghosts haunting a relationship? Simply this-a lot of the battles you find yourself in with people close to you– your partner, your children, your parents or even yourself–can have little to do with the current situation and a lot to do with your past. Past humiliations, past rejections, past traumas all lend themselves to becoming ghosts haunting your life when they have not been resolved. I call them ghosts, for while the event was in the past, it’s wielding a LOT of power in your present life.

For example, your parents believe/d control was next to God and a good child was a controlled child. Emotions? To be controlled with your parents deciding which ones you were permitted and which ones were punished. Fast forward to the conversation you are now having with your husband who keeps asking if something is wrong. You answer “nothing”….so why do you feel like crying-or throwing the glass you are using at his head!? Ahh…the ghost of emotions not permitted or punished is haunting your relationship with your hubby..

Or you hear yourself berating your daughter for an A- (vs an A) on her report card and become aghast as you realize you’ve become possessed by the ghost of your father who found “imperfections” unacceptable. Yikes! Or you make the opposite choice of allowing your teen to diss you, patting yourself on the back for not being a controlling parent. Notice the ghost cackling in the corner?

So what can you do when ghosts are haunting your relationships?

  • Call the Ghost Busters! No really, get some help. Ghosts can be hard for you to see as they feel and look familiar. What is familiar we are often reluctant to change for something unfamiliar, even if we are unhappy with the familiar.
  • Realize your ghosts can be friendly ghosts (remember Caspar?) trying to make life better for you. They are causing mischief to get your attention and where they are causing mischief is where they want you to pay attention.
  • There are common ghosts. The ghost of anger haunts most women; anger at their power and purpose as women having been dismissed and denigrated for generations. This ghost appears in women’s relationships with men as belittling men or women withholding from men, their power to inspire and uplift.
  • Ghosts can be tricky. It is not uncommon for someone I am working with to describe the detested behavior of a parent and surprise! find that same behavior alive and well in themself! Argh. Ghosts remind us there is a difference between not liking a behavior and not having it haunt our behavior as well.

People are busy and time is precious. We are taught to ignore what is bothering us and to simply exercise more control or reach for our drug of choice. But “shoulda, woulda, coulda” are no match for the ghosts haunting our relationships or our life. As the Ghost Busters knew, people who know about ghosts are who you need to call when your relationships are being haunted by ghosts from your past.

Want some help exorcising ghosts in a relationship or life? I offer a free 60 minute consultation by phone for you to explore with me how to stop ghosts from the past from messing with your present and future. To schedule your free 60 minute session CLICK HERE .

“What Frogs are Boiling in Your Life?”

Frog

“The Boiling Frog Syndrome”(BFS) is an anecdote about how a frog placed in boiling water will jump out immediately but when a frog is placed in cold water which is then slowly heated, froggie will not perceive the danger and will boil to death. Although science disproves the truth of BFS, it’s cautionary tale of the cost of ignoring the small and subtle messages you feel of something being off, is truth.

Women’s history of being told to “behave and make nice” for being safe in life and love means women often dismiss and deny what they are feeling and noticing. Especially when paying attention to what they are sensing will “make waves” with people they love or are dependent on. Yet ignoring what you are sensing does not keep you truly safe in either life and love. Ignoring what you are sensing only keeps you from taking action in time to attend to what your wisdom is telling you is wrong.

More than one woman has come to me angry with herself for not listening to her feeling of something being”off”, for time had proven what she was sensing as correct. A women will often ignore her innate “early alert system” for not “rocking the boat’ in a relationship or where she fears reprisal for speaking up. Yet ignoring messages from the powerful sensitivities you possess as a woman can land you in troubles you could have prevented or mitigated.

So, just how do you balance speaking up and standing up for what you know with your desire for safety and acceptance in love and life?

1. Commit to learning about and loving yourself as a priority in your life. Learning about yourself is not optional for being happy and fulfilled in life. When you know what makes you happy, what you love, what’s important to you in life and relationships, you can care for your needs consciously. Expecting those you love to be your primary source of approval and support only places others as a parent with you as the child. And while we all need a little help from our friends, learn to love and support yourself as a job you are the best at and your privilege.

2. Update your relationship with anger. Anger is the element of fire offering its power to protect you as well as transform what challenges you. Instead of smothering (ignoring/fearing) your anger or letting it become a wildfire, develop a conscious relationship with your anger. Anger is not wrong nor bad; only when you do not tend to anger’s presence does anger cause you problems. Denying your anger for “not making waves” does not keep you safe in relationships nor in life. Learn to receive and decipher your anger, for within your anger is wisdom seeking to protect you and transform what IS dangerous to you.

3. Learn the difference between your sensory system and your intellect (aka your body never lies).  The sensory capacity of a woman is intimate to her biology as a woman and offers women sensory information for her protection and for deep wisdom. ( No, I am not saying women are better than men, rather different and viva la difference!). Ignoring your perceptions and receptions of information is a cultural norm, not your innate capacity, and gets you in trouble. Choose to honor your sensory capacity, take action informed by your sensory information and perceptions,  and watch your happiness blossom.

4. Get help outside of your family and friends for making the changes you want in yourself or your life. Family and friends at their best are your cheerleaders in life…. and family and friends can resist you changing. Just as cheerleaders do not serve as coaches for their team, don’t expect your cheerleaders in life to be your coaches in life. Your decision to take up your challenges as your opportunity for personal growth offers you being inspired by doing so.

The new normal in our world is change change change. One big change is relying less on outside of you for direction and support, and trusting in yourself more. Change can be really uncomfortable and challenging and going it alone is no longer a sign of strength. We all need help dealing with the angel and the devil on our shoulders. To live your life with heart, you need the strength of your soul….a soul clear and strengthened through transforming your challenges in life. 

Remembering You are Queen: The Emerging Leadership of Women’s Power and Compassion

In the Orient, ancient wisdom holds women as “The Adi Shakti”, Sanskrit meaning “the power which creates all”. Given how woman both contain and are the vehicle for all life human, this understanding of women’s powerful depth and dimension is indeed wisdom, even if wisdom not honored. At one time in human history, women’s powerful service as “the grace of god” was revered, and in our time, honoring women has disintegrated into the denigration of women as well as the destruction of the (feminine) Earth.  Now, as the Age of Separation ends and the Age of Illumination begins,  women’s partnership of divinity and destiny is being called forth for leadership, through empowered compassion, in tending the wounds of not only themselves as women, but their relationships with,  and men as well.

 A women carries within herself a lineage of pain and anger from centuries of her ancestor’s powers being feared by men, fueling not only the destruction of women, but men’s relationships with women and the Earth as well. The challenge for contemporary women is to heal the historical patterns of pain and anger they carry within as women, and to transform “power over” into “compassion with”.  What will make this possible?  When women choose again to be Queen in how they lead their life.  Claiming yourself as Queen is claiming the stage of mid-life power and service missing from the Western model of women’s role progression from child, maiden, mother (Queen) and crone.  (And for all mid-life women who have been reluctant to embrace crone as their next stage, high-five your inner knowing!).

 So how does a woman claim herself  (as Queen)?  Simple….she remembers she is Adi Shakti……the power that creates all.  A woman honors her unique wisdom, strengths, and leadership as fundamental to the happiness and health of not only her life, but all she serves as well.  She remembers tending to her heart and soul is not simply an entry on her to-do lists,  nor does she hand the sacred right of claiming “what is true” over to authority outside herself.  A Queen honors her body as the multi-sensory temple is it for receiving guidance and support from the sacred realms. A Queen remembers she is never alone, for within her is the presence of her heart and soul as well as all in the unseen realms that care and tend to her. And a Queen knows a community of women is critical for her well-being as well as for her role as the guardian for all life.

 Being born a woman is a destiny of leadership through inspiration, healing, and embodied compassion for meeting the challenges and changes of our world. Throughout the ages, the strength of a nation was known by how women were honored and the presence of women’s wisdom in guiding the nation.  The age we are entering is calling upon women’s leadership, powers, and compassion for guiding our world through challenges our minds alone cannot meet.  It is a time calling upon our deepest wisdom and power, heart and soul, with women’s mastery of mystery, leading our way.

Choosing Drama Less and Choosing Your Power More



“Where is confusion about yourself as “a woman first” holding you back from exercising your power, purpose, and passion in your relationships, roles, and relishing of your life?”  I love working with women who decide to pick up their courage, exercise their clarity, and commit to action for creating more happiness, satisfaction, and impact in their life.  The “ah-ha” moment when a client real.izes how truly powerful she is can be a humbling (not humiliating) moment of reclaiming herself, her happiness, and her satisfaction in her relationships, roles, and relishing her life.

Woman are the sacred portal for human life and serve as teachers, healers, and leaders with life. Where woman are confused about their depth and dimension as women is where we confuse our history for our truth, our roles for our identity, and believe our grace as women is negotiable.  It is also where how we create problems, extend the lifetime of our challenges, and create drama vs engaging our power. A woman may begin working with me for easing a troubled relationship,  guidance for respect in her roles, or to feel happy again in her life…..and,  she soon realizes her problem/s as symptoms of forgetting to choose her power as “a woman first”. 

Contemporary woman remember, reclaim, and renew themselves more through honoring themselves as “a woman first” and the “to-do’s” of rules, roles, and relationships less.  Being “a woman first” is taking action on inner wisdom, embodying compassion in relationships, and living with clarity, courage, and certainty our dreams.   Being “a woman first” is knowing confusion is our invitation for inner clarity, self-criticism as our opportunity for compassion for ourselves, and conflict with others offers itself as a container for creative and deeper connection with the other. And contemporary times call for us to show up, stand up, and speak up….as women first.  We live in times scary and sacred, times calling for living times calling for living more of our power, purpose, and passion as a woman.