In my work with people seeking better marriages, better divorces, or better relationships, a ghost from their past can be part of what is causing them pain. They are struggling with a belief formed in their past wreaking havoc in their present day life. I call this a ghost as you can’t see but it can sure mess with you.
Childhood is a time when we have little power and depend on the adults in our life not only for our survival but for teaching us a model how life works. It is wise to update this model-and the beliefs which make up the model-for life as an adult. We update our computers and their software but usually don’t update our childhood beliefs for ones more aligned with our power as an adult. So we go through our adult life, which requires we engage our power as an adult for creating what we want in life, using beliefs about our power from childhood. What could possibly go wrong?
Plenty. When we act without aligning with our power as adults, we will replay patterns of power from when we were children. We can give other adults more power with us than appropriate and not engage our power for realizing our needs. We can expect our person to take care of us (like a parent might a child) instead of being an adult with a person who cares for us. Or reacting to a partner about something which actually is an issue we have with a parent. Ghosts from our past messing with us in the present.
So how do you prevent a ghost from your past from haunting your current life? Through realizing where you are not engaging power as an adult and updating your beliefs about having lots of power as an adult. Sounds simple. And, simple is not the same as easy. We often need a third party to reflect for us where a ghost is running amok and for helping us update our beliefs about our power. No shame nor blame, simply a matter of updating old models and beliefs about power and relationship, with the help of someone who has the relevant skills and experience to help you update engaging your power.
Our relationships are a mirror for how we engage power with what we seek in life. A relationship that is not working well or a relationship that has ended but is still taking a toll, mirrors power not being engaged effectively. This is true for both women and men although the expectations and cultural messages about engaging power are different for women than for men. Women receive conflicting messages about engaging their power and until a woman has reconciled both having power and her sovereignty as a woman, she can feel insecure in her life and intimate relationships.
Transference also can play mischief in a relationship when we project upon a partner their needing to be parent-like with us. Or have unresolved anger at a parent we put onto our partner. The line between parent and partner can get blurry at times in relationships when we feel our security is in play. Feeling insecure in a relationship is fertile ground for emotional abuse in a relationship; it can foster too much deference with bad behavior. The irony of many relationships where emotional abuse is present is that both parties often suffer from a belief in their lack of power. Ghosts wreaking havoc in ways both damaging and sad.
Relationship is challenging at times for a good reason; it requires us to exorcise the past for being present with another. Relationship is the best and relationship is the hardest. Just as a precious gem requires pressure and time for it’s beauty and value to be realized, so do relationships. The more intimate a relationship, the more our ghosts can haunt, for the more intimate a relationship, the more we are vulnerable. And while we may not see our ghosts, the other person in the relationship will most certainly feel their impact. And us, theirs.
Interested in learning more about how your ghosts may be messing with a relationship? Sign up for one of my no-cost Clarity Sessions for you to share what’s not working and me to offer some suggests. No pressure, simply some wise and kind suggests and reflections.