I am working with a client in his 40’s who’s wondering how he found himself in the marriage that almost killed him. Literally. He prides himself on being a good person, a nice guy, and his ex is clearly mentally challenged. He is thoughtful, compassionate, well-spoken, and worries a lot about doing the right thing. And therein lies the rub; it’s not what is right for him that he worries about. But what he imagines those with authority with him think is the right thing for him to do. Trying to do what he imagines others want from him is making him miserable and leading him to feeling hopeless about feeling better. I told him it sounds like he’s got a case of “The “Beiges”.
So what is a case of “The Beiges”? It’s tailoring your choices to not offend, to not start conflict, to not take a risk…you get my drift. Not that one ought to go about intending to do such things to others, but we are going to rub someone wrong at some time when we are in our groove of what is true for us. Much as we may at times wish the world was full of people just like us, truth is, we wouldn’t much like that either. I don’t know about you, but some of my best ah-ha’s about what is true for me have come from when someone was confidently themselves. You know, said the thing I initially judged or even dismissed. And yet, as I thought over what they had said or done, it got me thinking or feeling and that helped me get more clear on what was true for myself. So when someone thinks or feels differently than us, it can actually be a great tool for helping us get more clarity for ourself? Yup.
So when we have a case of “The Beiges”, we are trying to model ourself after what we imagine is another’s better idea or way, even though they are not living our life nor dealing with our challenges. This is not to say outside perspectives are not useful. Hell, my business is in part just that. What I am saying is that if you believe that others know better than you how to live your life you are A. avoiding doing the inner work needed for a happy life or B. unwilling to take out your courage and use it in service of your life. A case of “The Beiges” does not mean you don’t ask/receive help, advice, opinions. It does mean you are so busy looking for what is the “right thing to do” from outside yourself that you are afraid to take risks, to try things out, to make mistakes. In short, to make the needed efforts to live your best life. You avoid standing out, standing up, speaking up for what is truly important to you in life. And then wonder why you lack feeling fulfilled and delighted in your life.
A lot of people live beige lives because they hope by doing so they will keep themselves safe. Being safe is important and our minds are in large part set up to do just that. Which is why emotions are an important counterbalance to our mental process and a critical part of living a happy life. Our success, happiness, and experience of community come in part from our ability to grow and expand, which requires we engage risk. Simply put, if we don’t take risks, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we will not engage our most authentic self. And if we cannot share our authentic self with the world in some way, happiness is elusive. If we do not live out our dreams the whole world suffers since each one of us has something amazing to bring forth to add to the whole of the world.
So what stops us from taking the risks to live our best life?
Reason #1: We don’t think we are good enough
We spend too much time listening to our own doubts and the inner critic formed in large part from the unskilled feedback and criticisms of others. Think about how much time you have spent focusing on the obstacles instead of realizing your dreams. All that wasted time judging, evaluating, and attempting to control forces outside yourself. At times it can feel impossible to get out of your own head, out of your own way. We forget that we are enough to make what we want to realize by applying our passion, persistence, and faith in ourself and life. As Ted Lasso offered, to BELIEVE.
Reason #2: We don’t t think we’ll be loved the same way or enough.
We are afraid that by making certain decisions we will lose the approval of the people closest to us. As children we looked for approval from parents, teachers, and friends as that kept us safe and in community. Then as adults, we keep using the same beliefs, the same strategies we did as children instead of updating what I call our life’s software. So we become people pleasers and lose our sense of purpose in the process. We think that if we do certain things our family, friends, and coworkers will become disconnected or even think we are crazy. Yes, that can happen initially and a small number of family and friends might not understand or even think we are wrong. Yet more people will be inspired by your passion, faith, confidence, and belief in yourself. You might even inspire some of the people closest to you who you thought judged you the most. Your action of taking a risk and forging your own path might just be the example others need. As Gandhi offered “Your life is your message, make it one you are inspired by!”
If you’d like to talk about what stops you from taking the risks that will change your life for the better, sign up for one of my Clarity Sessions. A free phone session in which you can share what is stopping you from the life you are seeking and I offer some thoughts in response.