This past weekend included a day we set aside to honor mothers and upcoming is a day for honoring fathers. I know from my work-and my own life-how such days can be a mixed bag or even painful reminders of expectations not met. Or what I call “the family patterns of pain” that we all have and which challenge us in creating and sustaining a healthy and happy life and relationships.
What do I mean by family patterns of pain? Our family experiences teach us foundational beliefs of how to relate to others, how to communicate with others, how to get needs met in relationships, how to engage our emotions with others, etc. Our parents may not have understood that certain family dynamics were not healthy nor had the tools to address differences between people. For they too learned from how their parents behaved and chose. As children form their norms and beliefs from their family experiences, the behavioral patterns-healthy and not-of their parents continue through the children and voila, so continue the family patterns (of pain).
So what is an example of a family pattern of pain? The easy ones to see are the ones science has proven; that addiction runs through generations of family, though the type of addiction may vary from generation to generation. The harder ones to discern can be the behavioral patterns in relationships from generation to generation. Yet, when one is struggling with addressing discordant and disruptive behavior in a relationship effectively, one is likely to be running up the family patterns of pain in at least, if not both, of the parties involved.
Let’s take an example, with the caveat that I am very much simplifying and generalizing. A couple, no matter how many times they have argued, or given in to the other’s demands, hasn’t made progress toward a happier and healthier relationship. They are most likely dealing with a family pattern of pain of one or the other’s, and most likely an unholy alliance of family patterns of pain from both of them. If one of the family patterns is to be subservient (or dominating) as a reflection of one’s power and worth, then that person will seek to dominate or be subservient with the other person.
You can see this at play in a relationship in which one person assumes the abusive position and the other person assumes the victim position. Conflicts will not be worked out as learning the skills for resolving conflict would be considered weakness and losing power by the person whose family pattern equates power with dominating. Family patterns of pain show up most strongly in intimate relationships, but are also evident in a person’s friendships and even professional relationships.
Ironically, what we often do not like about a parent’s behavior as a child is behavior we will adopt unconsciously-or it’s opposite- as a form of power. An example of such is when a person grows up with an authoritarian parent who brooked no disagreement, they can choose to adopt such behavior as an adult for being powerful. Or, they may choose to placate such people as adults, much as they did as children. What initiates changes in one’s family patterns of pain is often a crisis in a person’s life where in order to exit the crisis, they need to become intimate with their current patterns and beliefs. And then update such for engaging choices and behavior congruent with one’s adult desires and happiness. It can be humbling to know that one’s childhood experiences are very often running how we choose and behave in our adult life. And, change for the better is life’s imperative.
If you’re curious about how a family pattern may be playing out in a relationship that is struggling or discordant, sign up for one of my free Clarity Sessions. 45 minutes with me by phone for sharing what you are struggling to make better and offer some thoughts on the matter.
