For the past 10 years, many of the people I’ve been working with are men and women coming off of an unhealthy relationship. One of the common “tells” of a person in an unhealthy relationship is the abdication of caring for themself and their needs. This lowers their sense of worth and value which then reflects in their choices and behavior with the person they are in an unhealthy relationship with. One of the initial take-ups when we begin working together is learning how better to advocate for themself through making choices which reflect caring for themself and their needs.
There is often a reticence, even a shame of sorts, when people seek help, as if there is something wrong with them. It’s as though they’ve bought into that being an adult means not needing support. When in truth, asking for help reflects the self-respect and the courage necessary for crafting a happy life and relationships. We all need help at times as we move through the many changes and challenges of adult life, for being an adult requires we update beliefs formed as children into beliefs which engage our convictions, values, and dreams as adults.
You don’t have to be in an unhealthy relationship to be struggling with caring for yourself and your needs. Adult life is full of times of adversity, whether it be a marriage ending, a job loss, children leaving home, figuring out how to care for aging parents, a health challenge that rocks your world, and more.
So what are ways you can update your beliefs and choices and engage your power when adversity comes your way?
1. Small is your secret weapon. Small actions done consistently compound to become changes large in their impact. Small actions done consistently fly under the radar of self-sabotaging our powerful self as we’ve been taught that big is where power lives.
2. Progress not perfection is the mantra for change that is real and obtainable. While we may fantasize about magical storybook tales and endings, it’s in the grit of taking risks, being willing to be vulnerable, and the willingness to be a novice at something through which we gain the experiences needed for crafting a happy life and relationships.
3. Slow and steady wins the race. Remember how the hare thought his fast pace -which he could not sustain- would win the race? Yet it was the turtle’s slow and steady pace which he could maintain which won in the end. Progress is what you realize when you commit to slow and steady actions toward your goals vs the all or nothing of perfection being the measure of your success. Slow and steady is real, tangible, receptive to refinements, and forgiving of mistakes along the way.
4. Power lies in the choices you make, not in the control of those around you. Engaging this will change your life and your relationships once you embrace this. Although it can be hard to let go of the misnomer that control equals power, this misnomer does a lot of damage, especially in relationships.
5. This is a cousin of #4. Expecting those you are in relationship with to take care of your needs is not the same as having relationships which are supportive in your life. One seeks to have others treat you as a child and the other reflects being in a healthy adult relationship.
6. What you focus on grows. Humans are very powerful in our capacity to create and what we focus on is what we create more of. If you focus on what’s wrong with the person you live with, over time their experience of you will be someone they don’t enjoy being with so much. If you focus on what you love about them, you will find in time someone who is more receptive to your input for different.
7. Self-love is your super power and to the extent that you exercise such will be the extent with which you trust yourself and life. We filter our experiences through our beliefs and when we believe we are lovable -warts and all- life and others will reflect that back to us as well. Self love allows you to be imperfectly human, engage mistakes as opportunities for learning, and to live in gratitude more.
8. Get support. While Americans especially love to tout the goal of independence, the truth is that interdependence is how we live our best life. Especially women, who when stressed, find relief in “tending and befriending”; calling a friend to vent or finding relief in the cleaning of a closet. And, there is a time to call on professional support so as not to wear out your friends and family or compromise the support you need.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of how you can engage your power for when adversity shows up in your life. Adversity can be turned to your advantage and offers you the opportunity to learn what you are made of and what you need to strengthen or discard. Life is change; only when we die do the cells in our body stop changing. I wonder if one reason we dislike change so much is in being taught the myth that control equals power, change not chosen can feel like we lack power. For whatever reason, learning how to take up change- whether chosen or not- is an important skill set for a happy, satisfying life.